I grew up in a household where complaining wasn't tolerated. My immigrant parents had a simple philosophy: others always have it worse, be grateful, and suck it up. My older sister even had a name for complainers: windy whiners. So naturally, I became a "suck it up" leader. What followed was a distrust cycle I didn't see coming, and then an overcorrection that cost me something different. This episode is about both mistakes, what I learned from each, and how I finally found the balance between high warmth and high expectations.
EPISODE SUMMARY
I grew up in a household where complaining wasn't tolerated. My immigrant parents had a simple philosophy: others always have it worse, be grateful, and suck it up. My older sister even had a name for complainers: windy whiners. So naturally, I became a "suck it up" leader. What followed was a distrust cycle I didn't see coming, and then an overcorrection that cost me something different. This episode is about both mistakes, what I learned from each, and how I finally found the balance between high warmth and high expectations.
TAKEAWAYS
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TEASER
This week, I'm talking about the suck it up culture I inherited from my immigrant parents, how it shaped me as a leader, and the two expensive mistakes I made trying to unlearn it. Stick around for more Good Vibes Leadership.
INTRO
Hey there. I'm Bernadette Smith. Whether you're in between meetings or on a quick commute, welcome to Good Vibes Leadership. This show focuses on playful, inclusive leadership through micro lessons you can actually use. My goal is to help you connect authentically with your team and clients and create a world where everyone actually wants to show up. Lead with joy, build for everyone. Let's go.
EPISODE
Hey there. Welcome back to Good Vibes Leadership. I'm Bernadette Smith. I'm CEO of Equality Institute, and this is the show where we find the leadership lesson in the everyday moment.
This week's story starts with my parents. My parents were immigrants from Ireland. They came over in the nineteen fifties. They met here in New York City. And I was born twenty something years later, the youngest child. My parents were really hardworking, and they had absolutely zero tolerance for complaining. And I kind of get it. My dad was the oldest of 11. He left home when he was 14. They had a really small house, so he had to go earn money for the family.
My parents' philosophy was pretty simple because of those types of experiences. Others always have it worse. Be grateful for what you have. Don't complain. Suck it up. They actually never use those terms, suck it up. That's sort of my perception of their message was suck it up. My older sister, the oldest in the family, she even had a name for people who complain too much. She called them windy whiners. And I never wanted to be a windy whiner.
So without even realizing it, I became a suck it up leader. And that's where things get interesting.
Okay. So think about a cycle of distrust. It starts with silence because nobody brings problems to the leader because the leader's vibe is figure it out. So the team member does try to figure it out, or maybe they do figure it out. But then when something goes sideways, whether it's a missed deadline, a disappointed client, any kind of dropped ball — the team member kind of covers up or they minimize it because bringing a problem forward doesn't always feel safe to a suck it up leader. So then the leader finds out late or finds out from the client, and now there's a mess and an excuse, and the trust starts to erode. And then the next time something goes wrong, the team is even less likely to say something early because the last time didn't go so well.
So that's the distrust cycle. And I have been the leader in that cycle. I have been the one that was not trusted by my team to handle problems well. I've essentially said, suck it up. And by the time the cycle was over, I didn't trust the people on my team either. I didn't create the safety for people to bring me the problems early on. So I have kept having to clean up messes later on. And then that all led to turnover, tension, people leaving, and me pretty confused as to why.
I mean, I consider myself a very good leader. But I had to find leadership as execution, that as vision. And I hadn't quite figured out what my problem, what my role was in all of this. Because I wasn't a mean leader. I wasn't cruel. I just had this sort of inherited default that said push through. Figure it out. Don't make it a thing. Suck it up. And that led to the people on my team not really feeling seen, just kind of managed.
And I remember moments when someone would bring a problem to me, whether it was a frustration or a concern, something that was kind of weighing on them. And I'd listened just long enough to try to propose a solution, a fix. I am really good at fixing things. And I kind of realized when that started happening in my relationships as well that I needed to not be so much of a fixer. I needed to not be so solutions oriented even though that's what I was taught.
What I didn't realize for years was that people didn't always need a solution. Sometimes they just needed me to listen, stay in it with them for a minute, say, I hear you. That sounds hard, and mean it. And by the way, I am still learning and practicing this lesson with my son, who's 15. He goes through his things, his issues. And it can be really hard for me not to be a suck it up mom or a solutions oriented mom. So it's something that is a continual practice for me.
But for years, I didn't know how to do that. So people stopped bringing their problems to me, their work problems, even their personal problems. And then eventually, some of them started — stopped showing up altogether.
So because of all that, I did what a lot of leaders do when they realize they've gotten it wrong. I over corrected. I went soft, too soft. I stopped holding people accountable because I was so focused on being empathetic. I didn't wanna be the suck it up leader anymore. So I went all the way to the other side, which meant that I gave people a little more grace than the situation called for. I let something slide that I should have addressed. All of this because I was trying to be understanding, but what I was actually doing was avoiding the discomfort of a hard conversation.
And then what happened? I got taken advantage of. My accountability slipped. Deadlines, a little fuzzy. Everything was a little more soft. And then some people on my team, good people, people I really liked, they started coasting because I set the standard that coasting was fine. And all of this stuff is on me. Me as a leader.
So the lesson there for me was that empathy without standards, empathy without accountability isn't actually kindness. It's just a different way of letting people down.
So then finally, I got to the truth that the emotional blueprint that you get as a kid, it might become your management style without you even realizing it. It might become your default. It might seem like it's your personality, but maybe it's just the first draft of your personality. And I think the real leadership work here is figuring out what parts of all of that stuff that we've inherited we wanna keep, what parts are important to release, and to be mindful when we've sort of swung too far in the other direction.
So a lot of my work comes back to the ARC Method — Ask, Respect, Connect — this tool that I created. And it meant that I started to be much more intentional about asking people what they needed. Not assuming they'd figure it out. Not assuming they needed to be rescued. Asking. Asking things like what's getting in your way right now. And not asking as a performance tool, asking as a genuine question that you really want the answer to.
Then respecting — that's the R. Staying present for the answer. Don't try to fix it. Don't dismiss what you hear. Don't start mentally drafting your responses. By the way, this is the hardest part for me, to just be present, just be there.
And then the C is Connect. That's about following through. Connect what you heard to real action or real standards or real opportunities to further the conversation. A lot of times people skip the connect, but the ARC isn't complete unless you follow all three steps.
So that's sort of how we balance it, you know, to have high warmth for folks, but also high expectations at the same time. They don't have to be contradictory. It can just be leadership.
So my question, my challenge for you this week is to think about the leadership default you may have inherited from your family and name it.
Maybe it's a suck it up leadership style like mine. You push through. You expect others to push through. You see complaints as weakness. You have no tolerance for windy whiners. And maybe that means that your team is productive, but kind of guarded. Maybe they don't bring you the real stuff.
Or maybe you're a conflict avoidant leader. You're warm. People love you. But the hard conversations get postponed. Your team likes you, but they don't always know where they stand.
Maybe you're a people pleasing leader. You say yes too often. Again, I went through this. You protect people from the consequences they actually need to experience. You're so focused on being liked that you've stopped being useful.
Or maybe it's something else entirely. Maybe you're a perfectionist leader, or you're an over explainer when you talk over things instead of coaching people through it.
What kind of leadership style did you inherit from your family? Name it. You can't rewrite it. You can't evolve it if you haven't figured out what it is. Name it. And is that style serving the people that you're responsible for, serving the people in your life? Not serving you, but serving them. Your people deserve a leader who knows the difference.
GOOD VIBES TO GO
Alright. Let's move into this week's Good Vibes to Go. It is now WNBA season, the Women's National Basketball Association season. I'm rooting for the Chicago Sky. It is an exciting time because there is a new collective bargaining agreement, and the players are finally getting paid what they are worth. So exciting times for women's basketball. I'm gonna put a link in the show notes so that you can catch yourself up and cheer on these amazing athletes.
OUTRO
That's your weekly shot of Good Vibes Leadership. For the full rundown of this week's top stories and some proof of positive change, grab my 5 Things newsletter at 5thingsdei.com. Remember, lead with joy, build for everyone. Now go be the leader your people deserve.