Bernadette's been watching The Four Seasons on Netflix, and a beach scene between two strangers got her thinking about how easy it is to stay shallow, even with people we care about. She connects it to the ARC Method and a simple challenge: pick one conversation this week and actually ask something real. It's a short episode with one big question to sit with.
Summary:
Bernadette's been watching The Four Seasons on Netflix, and a beach scene between two strangers got her thinking about how easy it is to stay shallow, even with people we care about. She connects it to the ARC Method and a simple challenge: pick one conversation this week and actually ask something real. It's a short episode with one big question to sit with.
Takeaways:
Connect with Me
The Newsletter: This week in the newsletter, I wrote about Jersey saying yes to trans care, the first Pride festival ever held behind bars, Marvel spotlighting disability in their comics, and more. Subscribe to the 5 Things Newsletter here.
Work with Me: Let's talk.
PREROLL
I used to think talking a lot meant connecting. Turns out those are two very different things.
OPEN
Hey, folks. I'm Bernadette Smith. I'm CEO of Equality Institute, and I'm your guide to playful, inclusive leadership. Welcome back to Good Vibes Leadership.
THE IMAGE/METAPHOR
Okay, so I'm not sure if you've seen the Netflix show The Four Seasons, but I've been watching it. Second season, I think, is better than the first. It has a pretty packed cast. Tina Fey is one of the creators, and she's the star along with Will Forte, Colman Domingo, and Steve Carell in the first season. So it's definitely a great show, great cast.
One of the characters, his name is Jack, played by Will Forte. He's a straight white guy, he's Gen X, he's married to Tina Fey's character. In episode three, they're all at the Jersey Shore for part of the summer, and he's playing on the beach. His friends don't really want to play ball or anything with him, so he makes friends on the beach with some other guy around his age. These two men start throwing the ball, playing frisbee, goofing off, doing sort of sporty man things at the beach.
At one point, they're just sitting on the beach talking, and his wife and their friends are in the distance making fun of these two guys talking. They're mocking them, imitating bro speak — "let me get a couple more beers" kind of thing — making fun of them as sort of jocks playing together at the beach.
But it turns out the two men were actually talking about grief and loss, and the losses they had experienced. It was actually pretty cool. It's funny to see the friends be wrong. You wouldn't necessarily expect that these two men would be having these kinds of conversations, this sort of meaningful conversation on the beach with a stranger, right? And I love that, because his friends expected one thing, and they were completely wrong. They had made mistaken assumptions.
THE COLLISION/PROBLEM
It can be so easy to stay shallow. So easy. Even when you're not trying to. It can be so easy to talk about just the World Cup or the weather or where I'm gonna play pickleball next — things that really don't have much depth. It can be so easy. And it can also be easy to assume that other people are staying shallow also.
But when I was watching that episode, I was thinking to myself, I have had those days where I've talked all day, and I've said, like, nothing real. It's been completely shallow. I've also had those times in which I've spent hours with someone and never once been asked how I'm doing, and, you know, that sort of shallow conversation. Have you ever had those sorts of days or those sorts of conversations? Of course you have.
THE LEADERSHIP PIECE
So here's where this stops becoming about the beach and starts becoming a problem at work. I've been doing leadership work. I've been a leader for a very long time. I've spent twenty plus years in rooms with leaders. And the ones who struggle the most aren't the ones who don't care. They're the ones who never really learned how to say something real and then actually sit with the response they get.
Meetings can run on shallow as the default. Status updates, weather, sports, etcetera. How's it going? Nothing really meaningful. And it doesn't mean anyone's lying, but they're just not saying something real. And the team can actually run that way for a long time before anyone really notices or cares. But then someone leaves, and everyone all of a sudden thinks, "Oh, I had no idea they were struggling. I had no idea this was on their mind."
THE TOOL
So those types of moments are basically the whole reason I built the ARC Method: Ask, Respect, Connect. I didn't build that as a script. It's just a sequence. You ask a real question. You don't make assumptions. You respect what answer you hear, even if it's messy, even if it's inconvenient, even if it's not what you want to hear. And then you connect it all together to whatever happens next, so the person knows that your question wasn't being performative.
You skip one step, and the whole thing falls apart. The ARC falls apart. You ask without respecting the answer, you can lose trust — people stop telling you the truth. If you respect without connecting to action, then it's like you've given someone a space to vent, but don't actually plan to do anything about it.
THE APPLICATION
So here's the practice. Pick one conversation this week. A conversation which might normally stay on the surface, whether it's a check-in, a little chat in the hallway, a conversation with your kid in the car after picking them up from summer camp, whatever it happens to be. And ask one question that you don't already know the answer to. Then stop talking. Sit with the silence. I have a hard time sitting with the silence, but sit with the silence. And then connect. Pull it all together. Paraphrase what you heard. Validate the person who you spoke to. Tie it all together.
THE REFLECTION
So who is this person that you spend real time with, but you don't really know how they're doing? Give that a try this week. See if you can have a conversation about something real. That is my commitment to summer vacation this year.
Alright, let's move into this week's Good Vibes to Go.
GOOD VIBES TO GO
This week's Good Vibes to Go is to check out the podcast Good Hang with Amy Poehler. Speaking of conversations about something real, she has great conversations with her friends — people like Fred Armisen, Colman Domingo, Billie Eilish, Jon Hamm. Really, really great conversations. So check that out.
NEWSLETTER TEASE
And if you want five stories, my five good vibes, like this one every Saturday morning, that's what the 5 Things newsletter is for. This week, I have a story about New Jersey saying yes to trans care, the first Pride festival ever held behind bars, Marvel putting disability forward, and more. You can subscribe at 5ThingsDEI.com.
CLOSE
I'm Bernadette Smith, and I'm cheering you on. Have a great week.