A podcast host who'd seen me speak in Dallas told me what she remembered most: "This woman is so free to be who she is." That word — free — cracked something open. In this Pride episode, I dig into what I've come to believe after 20 years in this work: almost everything that goes wrong on teams traces back to self-worth. The person who won't speak up and the one who won't stop talking have the same root cause. This episode is about what happens when people finally feel worthy of taking up space — and how leaders can create that.
A podcast host who'd seen me speak in Dallas told me what she remembered most: "This woman is so free to be who she is." That word — free — cracked something open. In this Pride episode, I dig into what I've come to believe after 20 years in this work: almost everything that goes wrong on teams traces back to self-worth. The person who won't speak up and the one who won't stop talking have the same root cause. This episode is about what happens when people finally feel worthy of taking up space — and how leaders can create that.
Takeaways:
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GOOD VIBES LEADERSHIP Hosted by Bernadette Smith
TEASER
Today, I'm talking about what it means to feel truly free at work, and why working on your self worth might be the most important leadership strategy to do.
INTRO
Hey there. I'm Bernadette Smith. Whether you're in between meetings or on a quick commute, welcome to Good Vibes Leadership. This show focuses on playful, inclusive leadership through micro lessons you can actually use. My goal is to help you connect authentically with your team and clients and create a world where everyone actually wants to show up. Lead with joy, build for everyone. Let's go.
EPISODE
So I was a guest on a podcast recently, hosted by Deidre Green. The show is called Designed Pause, and I'll make sure that gets put in the show notes. Deidre had seen me speak in Dallas a couple of years ago, and later when she launched her podcast, she reached out to invite me to be a guest.
And at some point during the conversation, she told me what she remembered of me from my speech. She said of me, this woman is so free to be who she is. Me. She described me as free. Not confident, not authentic or polished. I get called authentic a lot, but feeling free or being described as free felt different, especially because it's one of my core values. So knowing that I'm being described as free means I'm essentially living my values. So very, very cool.
So, you know, that word has been on my mind because freedom is totally what I'm after. It's what I'm after for myself. It's what I'm after for others, especially those anywhere who hold back who they are because of the ways they identify.
So this is a Pride episode, but not a sort of typical Pride episode in which I talk about, you know, LGBTQ+ data or whatever, or talk about pronouns. No. I mean, this is a Pride episode. It's a little personal, and hopefully it's useful to you.
So let's get back to freedom. Not everyone gets to feel free at work. I have my own business. I've been an entrepreneur in part so that I can have freedom. But not everyone gets to feel it at work. You know, some people, sure, they just walk in and they just belong, and it's easy for them. But there are a whole lot of others who are overthinking every word they say, everything they wear, everything they eat even, or every laugh they make. And that is exhausting. And when people are overthinking all of these things, it actually can cost the whole team.
So here's what I've come to believe in all of these years of being a leader. Almost everything that goes wrong on teams — and, well, you know, in the world more broadly — traces back to a sense of self worth, or a lower sense of self worth.
You know, this could be the person who won't speak up in a meeting, or maybe the person who talks over everyone else, the micromanager who can't let go, the credit hog. Dial it all the way back and ask why, why, why. And for the most part, it's gonna come down to people who don't fully believe that they're enough.
Having a lower sense of self worth can lead to not speaking up at a meeting, talking over everyone else, not letting go, hogging credit. All of those things can be traced back to not feeling like you're enough.
And so all of this goes both ways. You know, people who are playing so small that they disappear, or playing so big that they are obnoxious and insufferable. You know, both of those are self worth problems. They might look different, but they are self worth issues.
So this is not a therapy talk, but it is important to think about how some of our act-out behaviors, or the ways we're not showing up, can come down to a fundamental sense of: I am not worthy.
Now I have done a lot of work on this. I have done a lot of thinking on this. I've gotten myself to a place where I feel like I'm enough, and I feel worthy, and I truly love myself. And it is really hard work to get to that place. For a lot of reasons, we receive messages — or we internalize messages — as a child that somehow undermine our sense of self. And it sucks, and we have to kind of disentangle it.
But when people feel worthy of being heard, of taking up space, of saying the wrong thing and still being okay, then there is an amazing sense of freedom. Trust me. People will notice. Ideas will flow more. There will be more trust. And that's everything. That's priceless.
So how do you do this self worth work? It's not easy. You can definitely find lots of tools. My partner is a coach, so I've worked on things like neuro-linguistic programming and even mantras to help expand my sense of self worth.
But it's also something that can happen — and that you can influence — on your team. You can help influence a team where people do feel a little more free. And this comes back to my tool, the ARC Method. Ask, Respect, Connect.
The ARC Method actually works because it slows us down enough to see the person in front of us, to ask more genuine questions, to respect what they have to say, and to connect by validating what we heard, by paraphrasing it back, by letting them know that we get it. We can do that as leaders. We can use the ARC Method. And even as peers, we can use the ARC Method to help people feel a little more free and help people feel like they can be safe enough to show up in a bigger way. And when leaders do this consistently, people will start to feel like they belong. And belonging is a great condition for freedom.
So there's definitely plenty of self work to do on getting a stronger sense of self worth. But also there's a role that individuals and leaders can play on teams and how we approach those conversations. Following the ARC is a great way to do that.
So, you know, this Pride month, I wanna invite you to try something small. Pick one person on your team. Pick maybe someone that you think could be holding back, that they are not maybe bringing their full selves or their best self. And, you know, follow the ARC with them. Get a little curious. Respect what they have to say. And validate what you hear by connecting. You can actually influence that on your team — someone's sense of self worth. And that's a beautiful gift to give to someone else.
So that is a challenge for you. But also reflect: where are you playing small? And are there any places you're playing so big, it might be crowding someone else out? Something to chew on.
GOOD VIBES TO GO
Religion is one of the most under-discussed dimensions of workplace inclusion, and the Religious Diversity Leadership Summit hosted with Fordham's Institute on Religion, Law, and Lawyers Work is here to change that. Register for this free June 11 event — the Religious Diversity Leadership Summit. I'll put the link in the show notes.
And if you want more good vibes, check out the 5 Things newsletter. This week in the newsletter, I covered LGBTQ leaders breaking barriers in the Catholic Church, a dementia village that puts dignity first, and more. Subscribe at 5thingsdei.com.
OUTRO
That's your weekly shot of Good Vibes Leadership. For the full rundown of this week's top stories and some proof of positive change, grab my 5 Things newsletter at 5thingsdei.com. Remember, lead with joy, build for everyone. Now go be the leader your people deserve.