I got yelled at this week. I was volunteering, handing out bags of essentials to people experiencing homelessness near the expressway off-ramps by my house. I was moving in traffic, so I tossed instead of handed. The bag fell. And I got an earful. This episode is about what happens when good intentions skip the most important step. And what it actually means when someone trusts you enough to tell you the truth.
I got yelled at this week. I was volunteering, handing out bags of essentials to people experiencing homelessness near the expressway off-ramps by my house. I was moving in traffic, so I tossed instead of handed. The bag fell. And I got an earful.
This episode is about what happens when good intentions skip the most important step. And what it actually means when someone trusts you enough to tell you the truth.
Takeaways
Connect with Me
The Newsletter: This week in the newsletter, I wrote about a Minecraft library fighting censorship, playgrounds for kids in war zones, a pilot making aviation history, and more. Subscribe to the 5 Things Newsletter here.
Work with Me: Let's talk.
I got yelled at this week while I was volunteering, but I saw it as a gift. Stick around for the full story on this week's Good Vibes Leadership.
Hey there. I'm Bernadette Smith. Whether you're in between meetings or on a quick commute, welcome to Good Vibes Leadership. This show focuses on playful, inclusive leadership through micro lessons you can actually use. My goal is to help you connect authentically with your team and clients and create a world where everyone actually wants to show up. Lead with joy, build for everyone. Let's go.
Hey there. Welcome back to Good Vibes Leadership. This is Bernadette Smith, CEO of Equality Institute. This week, I wanna talk about something that happens to all of us at work, at home, apparently on the expressway off ramp near my house. We mean well, and we still get it wrong.
So here's a story. There's a stretch of road near where I live where there's on and off ramps by the expressway. And some people who are experiencing homelessness sort of hang out there and they panhandle at the various corners. So I keep these bags in my car. Bags of essentials. Things like some food, water, toothbrush, that kind of stuff. So when I'm at a light or traffic is stopped, I reach out and I hand the bag to the person directly. But sometimes, if I'm moving or there's someone behind me, I sort of toss the bag out. And, uh, this week, I tossed. The bag fell. And I got yelled at. I kept going because there was a car behind me, but I got yelled at. I could see it in my mirror. I could hear it.
And my first instinct was embarrassment. I mean, no one really likes getting yelled at. I felt a little defensive. I mean, I picked up those bags myself. I drove that route on purpose. My heart was totally in the right place. But here's what I remembered. This person actually felt comfortable enough to give me feedback, to redirect me. Loudly, but yes, I got redirected. And that takes something. I appreciate it now because most people probably say nothing. They let it go. They quietly absorb the small indignity of having a bag tossed at them from a moving car by someone who meant well. This one person spoke up. And because they did, now I know better.
I keep collecting a list of all of the ways I know better. I call them hashtag life lessons. So many life lessons. But here's the thing about tossing instead of handing. I made an assumption. I assumed that getting the bag there was what mattered. I assumed that the delivery method — minor detail. My intention covered that gap. But maybe it didn't. You know, in hindsight, a bag tossed from a moving car might not just be inconvenient. It might be unsafe. It might also be dehumanizing. Even when the person tossing the bag packed it with care, even when there was good intentions, even when they went out of the way and drove that route on purpose, even if their heart was in the right place — good intentions don't automatically equal dignified delivery.
And I see this constantly in organizations. A leader might roll out a new wellness benefit without actually asking employees what they need, or a manager restructures a team to support them without a single conversation first. A colleague jumps in to fix a situation that wasn't theirs to fix. We swoop in. We solve the wrong problem beautifully. We mean well, and yet we miss the mark. I hate it when that happens, but it happens all the time.
Heart in the right place isn't always enough. And in my twenty-plus years of doing this work, one of the most common things I hear from employees is some version of nobody asked us. Nobody asked us what we needed. Nobody asked us what would actually help. Nobody asked us how we wanted to be treated. And leaders are genuinely surprised by that because they were busy helping, busy solving, busy doing all the things they thought good leaders do. But skipping the ask doesn't just lead to wasted effort. It sends a message, even an unintentional one, that what you think someone needs matters more than what they actually need. And that's not inclusion. That's assumptions dressed up like care.
But the really uncomfortable part is that the people most affected are often the least likely to say anything. They've learned that speaking up isn't always safe. They've learned to just absorb it. Their voice doesn't actually matter, or if it does, then there's possible retribution or retaliation. So when someone does speak up, even loudly, even yelling sometimes, even on an expressway off ramp — as far as I'm concerned, that's not a problem. That's psychological safety in action.
So that's why I keep coming back to the ARC Method. Ask, Respect, Connect. It's a tool I created years ago to get clarity in any situation, and it always starts with the A — the Ask. Ask first. Don't tell first. Don't fix first. Don't toss first. Ask. Get curious about what someone actually needs before you decide that you already know. That's the A — Ask.
And Respect is about respecting what you hear. Staying present, not interrupting, not dismissing, not pivoting to solution. It's about receiving what you hear. And then the C is Connect. It's about paraphrasing what you heard, validating what you heard, and tying your action into what was actually said. So maybe you say something like, okay, so what you're telling me is — I can help with that. Or, how can I help with that? But when you skip the ask, the whole ARC falls every time.
The ARC Method works in boardrooms, it works in one-on-ones, it works in a car with my son, it works on expressway off ramps, apparently. You don't wanna assume, you wanna ask.
So here's the practice this week. Think of one place at work or at home where you've been swooping in with solutions, where you've been helping based on what you assumed someone needed rather than what they actually told you. Just pause. Ask instead. It can be as simple as, what would actually be helpful right now? Or, what do you need from me in this moment? You might be surprised by the answer. I usually am. And if someone redirects you, even loudly, receive it as the gift that it is. It means that they trust you enough to tell you the truth.
So my reflection for you this week is: think about where in your work or your life are you solving a problem that you assumed someone had rather than one they actually named. Chew on that.
Alright. Let's move into this week's Good Vibes to Go. Watch Taylor Tomlinson's stand up special Prodigal Daughter on Netflix. I love it when comics make me laugh and make me think. Good stuff.
And if you want five more stories like this one every Saturday morning, that's what the 5 Things newsletter is for. This week, I shared stories about a Minecraft library fighting censorship, playgrounds for kids in war zones, a pilot making aviation history, and more. And you can always subscribe at 5thingsdei.com.
Folks, if this episode resonated, please share it with a leader you know. And if you wanna bring this conversation to your own organization, I would love to talk. Find me at bernadettesmith.com. I'm cheering you on. Have a great week.
That's your weekly shot of Good Vibes Leadership. For the full rundown of this week's top stories and some proof of positive change, grab my 5 Things newsletter at 5thingsdei.com. Remember, lead with joy, build for everyone. Now go be the leader your people deserve.