I recently sat in a room of strangers — different backgrounds, different everything — and within an hour we were sharing grief and shame. Heavy stuff for a Saturday morning. But here's what I keep relearning: connection doesn't require similarity. It requires honesty. And somebody has to go first. In this week's Good Vibes Leadership, that's the thread — what happens when you're willing to go first, whether that's in a living room or a boardroom.
I recently sat in a room of strangers — different backgrounds, different everything — and within an hour we were sharing grief and shame. Heavy stuff for a Saturday morning. But here's what I keep relearning: connection doesn't require similarity. It requires honesty. And somebody has to go first. In this week's Good Vibes Leadership, that's the thread — what happens when you're willing to go first, whether that's in a living room or a boardroom.
Takeaways
Good Vibes to Go: Check out the comedy of ALOK — they're on tour and genuinely hilarious. One of our own team members is driving from Chicago to Grand Rapids just to see them. That's a good vibe.
Connect with Me
In this week's Five Things newsletter, the stories are about student dignity in Philadelphia schools, Disney songs in sign language, the WNBA finally rising to match the talent, and more. But if you want to read those stories, you're going to have to check them out in the Five Things newsletter, which you can subscribe to at 5thingsdei.com. Because this podcast is now Good Vibes Leadership.
[SHOW OPEN]
Hey there. I'm Bernadette Smith. Whether you're in between meetings or on a quick commute, welcome to Good Vibes Leadership. This show focuses on playful, inclusive leadership through micro lessons you can actually use. My goal is to help you connect authentically with your team and clients and create a world where everyone actually wants to show up. Lead with joy, build for everyone. Let's go.
[MAIN EPISODE]
Hey, everyone. Welcome back to Good Vibes Leadership. I'm Bernadette Smith. I'm CEO of Equality Institute and your weekly guide to playful, inclusive leadership.
So, in today's episode, I'm reflecting on an experience I recently had — and a little bit personal. Um, well, a lot of what I share is personal. A skill I've developed over the years is trying to work a room. It's something I felt like I had to do in order to build my business. This is actually kind of a way I expressed my scarcity mindset that I grew up with — was learning how to work a room. Anyway, this episode is about what happens when you stop trying to do that and learn to just be in the moment, and how that actually can impact the teams you lead.
Alright. So let's get into it.
A friend of mine invited me to a small group discussion at his home recently. There were about six or seven of us. I knew him. I knew the topic. The topic was divorce. But that was pretty much it. I didn't really know what to expect. Got there. Met some folks. You know, we're very different on the outside — just among this group of six or seven of us. We were all successful business leaders but very different on the surface. But within one hour, we were bonding over our shared feelings and experiences of grief and of shame. And I will say, it was kind of heavy stuff for Saturday morning, but I felt safe.
I sat there thinking, how did we get here so fast? How did we get to this vulnerability so fast? We just met. But there was something in that room that felt safe. That felt safer than a lot of other professional spaces I'd been in for years. Although, it wasn't a professional event.
So not long ago before this gathering, actually, I had a pretty significant personal realization that I've been trying to control too much. Too much in my life. Too much in my business. I'm definitely, like, an optimizer. I used to listen to the Tim Ferriss Show and take very detailed notes and put them in my calendar. So that was pretty extreme. And even in the projects that I enjoy, the things that I get a lot of fun out of, like improv, like pickleball, there was still this hustle energy.
And let me tell you, I can hustle like nobody's business. I can optimize like nobody's business. But I find myself looking people up on LinkedIn before even meeting them, networking in my head a little bit before I even started the conversation. I would find myself thinking about who's gonna show up for pickleball today and how can I connect with them? Is there any business opportunity here? Is there any in?
I don't know if any of the rest of you are like that or if this is just how I am weirdly wired, but there's a cost to this. When we walk into a room already thinking about what we're gonna get out of it, it means we're not actually there. We're not actually in the room. We're performing being present while actually being in our head, while planning our next move. And I think that people can actually notice that — even if they might not be able to name it, even if it might not be fully conscious. I think that folks can actually notice that.
I feel like, kind of in reflecting about my experiences with other people, that I've noticed other people doing that with me. Right? And so I get that. And of course, that is inauthentic.
So, you know, I've had my business for twenty-two years. The teams that I see with the deepest amount of trust, the most creativity, the most resilience — they all have one thing in common. Somebody went first. Not somebody who overshared or somebody who made it weird. Somebody who just said the tough, true thing. Who said something real. Who was authentic and a little bit vulnerable. Who cracked the door open just enough for everyone else to go through and share their stuff.
But here's the thing. You can't go first if you're not actually present. Right? Being present in the moment is the prerequisite. You have to be present in the room before you can actually impact the room.
So at the end of that event, that gathering, I just shared with them as I was leaving. I was like, I've been learning. I've been practicing being present, not having any sort of ulterior agenda. I shared this with them and I said to these folks, I didn't know who else was gonna be here today. I'm not gonna look you up on LinkedIn now. Although, you can find me if you want, but I'm not gonna look you up. And I'll say, a couple months later, I'm still not connected to any of them on LinkedIn. So for me, though, that was growth. The old version of me would have already connected with them, you know, by the time I got home practically.
Um, and so I feel like this is growth. I feel like the gift of presence is a gift of myself.
But how do we actually get there? I wanna bring this back to the ARC Method. That's the contextual model that I created that we use in a lot of the work with my company. ARC Method stands for Ask, Respect, Connect.
So we always start with the A — the Ask. And sometimes that means the most important ask is the ask that we make of ourselves. Am I actually here right now? Or am I somewhere else?
We always move on to the R — the Respect. So that means that when someone in the room and the gathering goes first, respect the cost of that. Respect the vulnerability that has been shared. Stay present in that mess, if it is a little bit of a mess, without trying to fix it. Sometimes, we just have to receive it.
And then, Connect. That means you might paraphrase back what you heard, or you validate what you heard, or thank them for sharing what you heard. And that's how we start to build trust. And that works in any kind of room, any kind of gathering. It works around the dinner table. It works in a car ride with your kid.
So, I want you to think about that. That's the practice I want you to reflect on this week.
Think about what rooms you have, what meetings you have — even your sales calls, leadership offsites, anything like that. And before you walk in, ask yourself: Am I here to be seen, or am I here to see others? Am I optimizing, or am I witnessing?
And then think about — is there one tough, true thing that you've been keeping inside? Something that, if you said it out loud, it might crack that door open for someone else. In what rooms this week can you go first?
So that's the question for this week. Are there any professional spaces you're in right now where someone might be waiting for you to go first? That's it. Think about where you can go first to open the door up for others.
[GOOD VIBES TO GO]
Alright. Let's get into this week's Good Vibes to Go.
I've mentioned them before, but check out the comedy of Alok. You can check them out on Instagram. Check them out on YouTube. Go see their show. I'm bringing them back up because they're on tour. Rita from my office — she's been my business manager for years — she is going all the way to Grand Rapids on a road trip with her friend to see Alok. And I think that's pretty damn awesome.
So, if you wanna laugh, if you wanna think, check out the comedy of Alok. That's A-L-O-K.
[OUTRO]
Alright, folks. That's it for today. If this show resonated with you, please share it with a leader who needs to hear it. And if you wanna bring this conversation to your own organization, I would love to talk. Find me at bernadettesmith.com. I'm cheering you on.
That's your weekly shot of Good Vibes Leadership. For the full rundown of this week's top stories and some proof of positive change, grab my Five Things newsletter at 5thingsdei.com. Remember, lead with joy, build for everyone. Now go be the leader your people deserve.