This week I’m talking about hierarchy, because it keeps coming up in our focus groups and workshops. One person told us about a manager who raged, used some nasty words, and then came back twenty minutes later to sincerely apologize. Their friend would have gone straight to HR. I walk through the two questions I use to decide what to do, how safe do I feel and is this a pattern, and a one-word move that might be easier than you think.
Summary
This week I’m talking about hierarchy, because it keeps coming up in our focus groups and workshops. One person told us about a manager who raged, used some nasty words, and then came back twenty minutes later to sincerely apologize. Their friend would have gone straight to HR. I walk through the two questions I use to decide what to do, how safe do I feel and is this a pattern, and a one-word move that might be easier than you think.
Takeaways
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What do you say when someone with more power than you crosses a line and says something inappropriate? Sometimes the best answer is just one word.
Hey, folks. I’m Bernadette Smith. I’m CEO of Equality Institute, and I’m your guide to playful, inclusive leadership.
So a topic that’s come up a lot lately is hierarchy. Heard about this in our consulting project focus groups and some workshops that I facilitated where some attendees have asked me about this directly. And it’s always some version of the same question. What can I say when someone with more power than me says something that’s inappropriate, not safe for work, that kind of stuff?
So let’s get into it today.
I was co-facilitating a focus group when one person shared a story. Their manager was absolutely raging. And as part of that raging said some things which were out of line, not appropriate for work, whatever, etcetera. Then the manager left. And twenty minutes later, the manager came back to that team member, to that employee, and was very sincerely apologetic.
So that employee was telling their friend that story later that day, and that friend said, “Oh, I would have gone directly to HR.” But that employee was just gonna give their manager grace.
So here’s what I can’t stop thinking about. It’s the same story. The person who experienced that was going to forgive and move on. Their friend that they told about was gonna go directly to HR. So two completely different reactions.
The person who experienced it trusted their manager to get it right in the future, and context matters. I can only assume or guess that the manager probably didn’t do this kinda thing a lot. The friend may have had some different experiences in their work career, and they were going directly to HR.
So who’s right? And honestly, neither one is wrong, and that’s what makes it hard.
And I would like to say here that I am glad that some people have given me grace over the years because I have not always been on my best behavior. So I am glad that I’ve had some forgiving folks in my life.
Grace is the high road, supposedly. Right? HR might be the smart move. Or it could be the other way around depending on who you talk to. So not everyone is gonna make the same choice and nobody has to.
Someone is your peer, it might be easier to say something even right there in the meeting. If it’s a manager situation, it can be different. You might not only be asking, is this okay, if you hear something inappropriate. You might also be asking, what does it cost me if I speak up? And thinking about that is not weakness. It’s a form of figuring out how to be safe.
If you’re the person with more power, think about this. The people around you are doing that mental math, those mental calculations. They’re wondering what speaking up to you could cost them. They’re wondering how they can be safe with you.
So let’s go back to the employee manager situation. That manager, they had a bad moment. Everybody does. I know that I have. But what I noticed is what they did next. Twenty minutes later, they came back. They apologized sincerely. Bad moments happen. But what matters is those next twenty minutes.
So what do you do in that moment? I think it comes down to two questions.
One, ask yourself, how safe do I feel? That could be about the person and the place. Do I trust this manager? Have I seen this workplace back people up if they’ve spoken up? Like, what are the possible consequences? Not about the policy, but what you’ve actually seen.
And another factor, number two, is thinking about, is this a pattern? One bad day, and listen, we’ve all had them, is different from a habit. It’s different from repeated behavior. But if it does keep repeating, well, that changes things.
For me, if I feel safe and it was a one-time thing, I am definitely gonna default to forgiveness and giving grace and moving on. Because I don’t wanna be defined by some of my worst moments. Right? And I have also been on the receiving end of grace over the years. But if it is a repeated pattern or if I wouldn’t feel safe, that employee didn’t feel safe, obviously, human resources is a choice too, and no one gets to call that an overreaction.
There’s also another alternative, a third choice, which could be a direct sentence. And I think it’s about how you approach this conversation in the moment without lecturing, without giving a speech, without creating defensiveness. You could just say one word. You could try just saying, “Ouch.” While the manager is ranting, maybe take a second and say, “Ouch.” That’s it. Without accusing anyone, without building a case, it’s just sort of letting a person know that what they say impacted you in some way.
Now I understand if this is a boss, if it’s a manager, what happens next really matters. That manager, in response to your “Ouch,” might say, “What do you mean?” Maybe give them a little detail. “That comment was tough to hear.” And keep it about the impact. Tough to hear. Keep it small. You don’t have to rant yourself.
They might say, “I’m sorry.” Accept it. Say, “Thanks. I appreciate that.” And maybe move on. Give grace.
Maybe they’ll brush off your “Ouch.” Maybe they’ll say something like, “Relax. I was just kidding.” You don’t have to get into an argument with the person who decides on your promotion. Maybe you just let it sit. Maybe you ask yourself the two questions. How safe do I feel in this moment? Is this a pattern? And if it is a pattern, write it down. Start keeping track so you do have some things that you could potentially bring to HR, if it is becoming something that then impacts your sense of safety.
“Ouch” doesn’t take that choice away. It just gives you a little bit of a move, a little bit of a way to feel like you have some sense of control.
So I would wonder for you, what would be your one word version of “Ouch”? Would you say “Ouch”? Would you say something else? Have you ever been in a situation where someone with more power has said something that stopped you in the moment? What would your “Ouch” have been? I would love to hear.
Let’s move into this week’s good vibes to go.
My friend Rhodes Perry has a new book and a new program called Lead Embodied. He writes, “When the path forward is unclear, come home to yourself.” I love that. You’ll find the link to Lead Embodied in the show notes.
And if you want more good vibes every Saturday morning, that’s what the five things newsletter is for. This week, I’ve got stories about paid leave at Tesco, free tuition for Indigenous languages, and more. You can subscribe at 5thingsdei.com
Alright, folks. That’s it. I’m Bernadette Smith. Thanks for spending some time with me. I’m cheering you on.