For years, I called myself an ally. But any time there was a Black Lives Matter rally or a benefit for an inner-city school, I'd quietly bow out. "I have my thing. I do the gay thing." I stayed in my comfortable, cozy gay lane. And it wasn't until a few years ago that I realized I didn't even know the full story of Juneteenth — after nearly two decades of doing inclusion work. This episode is about what staying in your lane actually costs you, and the surprisingly simple thing that gets you out of it.
For years, I called myself an ally. But any time there was a Black Lives Matter rally or a benefit for an inner-city school, I'd quietly bow out. "I have my thing. I do the gay thing." I stayed in my comfortable, cozy gay lane. And it wasn't until a few years ago that I realized I didn't even know the full story of Juneteenth — after nearly two decades of doing inclusion work. This episode is about what staying in your lane actually costs you, and the surprisingly simple thing that gets you out of it.
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GOOD VIBES LEADERSHIP
Episode Transcript
TEASER
Today I'm talking about my comfy cozy gay lane and how staying in it made me accidentally exclusive for way too long.
INTRO
Hey there. I'm Bernadette Smith. Whether you're in between meetings or on a quick commute, welcome to Good Vibes Leadership. This show focuses on playful, inclusive leadership through micro lessons you can actually use. My goal is to help you connect authentically with your team and clients and create a world where everyone actually wants to show up. Lead with joy, build for everyone. Let's go.
EPISODE
Welcome back to the show. Last week was Juneteenth, and here in Chicago, it was also the opening day of the Barack Obama Presidential Center. I haven't been over there yet, but I'm planning to go after Pride. But the city is definitely a little bit electric from the energy. We have a lot of pride in the new center. So this felt like the right week to tell you a story that I actually talk about in one of my speeches — one that I'm a little bit embarrassed about, which makes it all the more important to talk about. I think you're probably going to recognize yourself in this story, perhaps. That's my hope.
So for years, I never knew what to say about race. In theory, I wanted to be an ally of people with disabilities, of people of color, of anyone different from me, but I was always terrified of saying the wrong thing. I was afraid of accidentally offending someone, so I said nothing. Anytime prior to 2020, there was a Black Lives Matter rally near me or I got invited to a fundraiser for an inner city school or something, I'd be like, I have my thing. I do the gay thing. That's my thing. And I stayed silent in my little gay lane.
So I do that during the speech, and then I invite folks to think about, have you ever stayed exclusively in your lane, whatever your lane happens to be? And, yes, the answer is a resounding yes. People stay in their lanes. And here's an example of what that cost me. You know, for up until a few years ago, I didn't actually know the full story of Juneteenth. Even though I had heard of it, I didn't really know anything about it. I never understood it. And this is someone who had been doing inclusion work for nearly two decades at that point. So it's kind of embarrassing to admit that because I stayed in my lane.
So again, have you ever stayed exclusively in your lane, whatever your lane happens to be?
Here's what I know. Most of us have something going on, whether it's your race, your sexual orientation, medical stuff, family stuff, whatever it happens to be, most of us have something going on. But we cannot let that be an excuse for failing to show up for those who have even less than us, especially when it costs nothing. So, yes, I stayed in my lane for years and what it got me was that I felt lonelier. Staying in my lane made me feel lonelier. My world got smaller by staying in my lane because I was too afraid to be curious about folks outside my lane, outside my bubble.
And so here's the thing. I was completely overthinking it, and the solution is so much simpler than I realized. I just had to be more curious about people who are different from me. I didn't need to become an expert in every other identity. I didn't need to make sure I was getting it right all the time. I just needed to get more curious. I needed to try. Right? I just needed to try harder instead of being afraid of getting it wrong.
And I think that there are a lot of people who are feeling that way these days. They're so afraid of getting it wrong. They're so afraid of being canceled, and so they're staying in their lane. They're not bringing curiosity to the wonderful diversity of the world. I know that a lot of leaders, a lot of everyone are sort of feeling the pull to stay in the lane. It does feel a little bit safer to shrink at times, just sort of stick to what you know. I totally get that. But I know that I haven't grown from staying in my lane. Every single time I've grown, every single time I've leveled up, it came from making myself uncomfortable, putting myself in new situations, having more kindly, curious conversations with people who are different from me. Even if that means there have been some awkward questions, even if that means that there have been ouch moments, my experiences have cracked something open that I didn't realize I was even missing.
When we stay in our lanes, we're missing out on so much beauty and so much joy, so much possibility. But it does take a little bit of a willingness to be uncomfortable to get out of our lanes.
So do you want to know the secret, especially when you don't know what to say in any given situation? Ask a question. Ask a question. And, of course, you've probably heard me talk about my tool, the ARC Method. That's the tool I created. It stands for Ask, Respect, Connect. And you don't have to know all of the right words. You just have to be willing to try, to be willing to ask, to be kindly curious, to then respect what you hear by staying present, by not redirecting, by not dismissing, by not fixing, and then connecting by reflecting back what was said, by making a commitment for the future. And these don't have to be long, drawn out conversations. They can be short and simple, but you have to be willing.
Now believe it or not, I actually practice the ARC Method all the time myself. I'm still a work in progress, and I even practice it on the pickleball court. So here's an example. You know, I play pickleball all the time. I often play rec play, which is in the form of open play. It's kind of like a pickup game. You don't really know who you're gonna be playing with. You don't know who's gonna necessarily be there when you show up. Lots of different kinds of diversity at rec plays. I don't generally know anything necessarily about them. Right? I don't know their story. But what I do is I show up. And then if I want to, if I'm feeling up for it, I lead with curiosity. Kind curiosity. That is how I start conversations, with kind curiosity. That's the whole practice. It's not — I mean, yes, I have a workshop on it. But just showing up somewhere outside your lane and being kindly curious about the people on your team, about the people in your family even. Be kindly curious.
So think about where you can do that this week. So here's what I want you to think about. Where are you staying in your lane right now? And maybe you're calling it something else. Maybe you're calling it, I don't know, humility. Maybe you're not even thinking about it. Maybe it's about appropriate boundaries, sticking with your expertise. Maybe you're just comfortable in your bubble. I get it. Those things are real, and they do keep us safe to an extent. But sometimes they're also just a lane.
So think about that. Where are you staying in your lane, and how can you commit to being kindly curious about some other folks to learn something new?
GOOD VIBES TO GO
Alright. Let's move into this week's Good Vibes to Go. Check out this article from Crystal Whitaker with six ways you can celebrate and honor Black history and Juneteenth — not just this month, but beyond. Check out that article. I will put it in the show notes.
OUTRO
That's your weekly shot of Good Vibes Leadership. For the full rundown of this week's top stories and some proof of positive change, grab my 5 Things newsletter at 5thingsdei.com. Remember, lead with joy, build for everyone. Now go be the leader your people deserve.