Bernadette's most vulnerable talk yet started with a mistake she made on stage. Instead of burying it, she built an entire keynote around what opens up right after the "oh crap" moment. This episode walks through the CRAP Method, her framework for recovering out loud instead of performing your way past a mistake, and makes the case that perfectionism has never actually built trust on any team.
Bernadette's most vulnerable talk yet started with a mistake she made on stage. Instead of burying it, she built an entire keynote around what opens up right after the "oh crap" moment. This episode walks through the CRAP Method, her framework for recovering out loud instead of performing your way past a mistake, and makes the case that perfectionism has never actually built trust on any team.
Takeaways:
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PREROLL
Today, I'm gonna talk about what actually happens after you mess up and why perfectionism is just about the worst goal you could set for yourself.
OPEN
Hi, folks. I'm Bernadette Smith. I'm CEO of Equality Institute, and I'm your guide to playful, inclusive leadership. Welcome back to Good Vibes Leadership.
IMAGE/METAPHOR
A few years ago, I experienced just about every professional speaker's worst nightmare. I woke up, and I had a missed call from a client informing me that I should have been at their event and that I was about to miss the speech. I missed a speech. Even saying it now, I feel like the rush of shame coming back. That embarrassment. It's vulnerable to talk about the fact that I missed a speech. This was an in-person paid corporate keynote event, internal event, halfway across the country, and I wasn't there. And you know what? I can try to explain what happened, but it doesn't matter. So I'll just tell you what happened afterwards.
I, first of all, was convinced my career was over. I was convinced that I had destroyed my credibility, that my client would never work with me again, that I was a big fat loser. All of the worst ways to beat yourself up, I was doing to myself. But I realized, because I had a speech the day after that, I had a speech two days later, I realized that I needed to get my act together. I couldn't carry this negative energy with me into this other speech or that would be even worse. So I really needed to pull myself together that day. And also, I didn't know what to do next. I'd never been in this situation before.
THE TOOL
First, I realized that I needed to forgive myself, especially since I had a speech two days later. I needed to forgive myself because I'm a human, and humans make mistakes. So I needed to show myself compassion. And I also needed to have compassion for my client because I put them in a terrible situation. I messed up, and I may have made them look bad. I don't know what they had to deal with as a consequence of my mistake. So I had to have compassion for whatever situation I put them in. And I also needed to figure out how to make it right. So compassion was a really big piece, and it started with forgiving myself.
But also, I was a mess. My heart rate was spiked. I was definitely dysregulated. I was sort of bouncing off the walls, very tense, sharp. Lots of tension and heaviness and seriousness. So I needed to regulate my body. That started with doing a meditation. Right here in this office, I did a meditation. And then, it was a beautiful day, just like today. I took my dog for a walk. I got some fresh air. I cleared my head. I breathed the air. I forgave myself, and I did some other things to regulate myself. But at the end of the walk, I felt much more calm.
But then I realized that I didn't know what to do next. I didn't know how to make it up to the client. I didn't know what the expectations would be. I just needed to figure out how to make it right. But because I hadn't been in this situation before, I needed to ask someone for advice. Not only did I ask someone, but I actually posted and reached out. I posted in a community that I'm a member of with the program that I've been through, and I reached out to some others one on one to ask for advice. And it was really vulnerable sharing that post. I was afraid that those people, my peers, would judge me, that I would look bad in their eyes. But honestly, the response was amazing, because not only did I get great advice, which is exactly what I needed, but I also got private text messages. I had a phone call with one or two people. I got some voice memos. I had people tell me that they'd been in similar situations before, and they'd never talked to anyone about it, and they were still carrying that shame. I had folks validate me for being so courageous, saying, yes, that is actually my worst nightmare, and thank you for talking about it. Ultimately, what I received was nothing but love and support because of my vulnerability and sharing and willingness to ask for help. And that vulnerability and support deepened those friendships. It deepened those relationships. Crisis brought people together. I had people that I learned that I could turn to. And what a beautiful gift that was. But it all started with my authenticity, my willingness to be vulnerable and share that stuff. Because it could have just been easy to pretend like it was another day. Post a pretty picture on LinkedIn or Instagram like it was just another perfect day in the life. But that wasn't gonna get me anywhere, and it certainly wasn't gonna give me the kind of advice that I needed to try to repair this client relationship.
So I took the advice, and I left a message for the client. And we ended up talking a few days later. And, you know what? It ended up being a good conversation. And they left the door open to working together again. We haven't worked together yet, but they left the door open, and everything worked out peacefully, which is all I could hope for. No drama. And I did not feel like my reputation was going to be destroyed.
But after all that, I also needed to sort of release all that tension, all that stress from the day, that vulnerability hangover from the sharing. I was just carrying so much tension. So at the end of the day, I went out and I played pickleball, because I unexpectedly had a day that I didn't expect. I thought it was gonna be on my trip. And I just had to get that release. So playing, whatever kind of playing that looks like for you, is really important, just to laugh, to feel that energy, that negativity just leave, to hit the ball really hard, in the case of pickleball. So what a gift that day ended up being.
A few weeks after that day, I actually wrote the speech. I wrote a speech about what happens when you miss a speech and how important your recovery is. Because how you handle that recovery can change your life. It can build your self confidence, or it can destroy it. It can be something that you're carrying with if you blow it, or it's something that can deepen and strengthen your relationships and give you a new kind of wisdom and help you be a better leader.
COLLISION/PROBLEM
So most of us, in those moments of mistakes, we're taught to hide them. We're taught just to smooth it over and get back to looking as confident and perfect as humanly possible. People don't really talk about how to recover from mistakes out loud without performing that recovery. So a lot of people don't recover, or they don't recover well. They just get really good at hiding their mistakes.
LEADERSHIP PIECE
And when leaders pretend to be perfect, it sort of sends a message to the people around them that they feel like they then have to be perfect, which doesn't leave room for mistakes. And when people feel like they have to be perfect all the time, they're not giving their best. They're actually overthinking, and it slows the process down. I know that because I used to be that kind of leader. I had a lot of people on my team who felt like they had to always get up to this level with the first draft. And when I was sort of having this air of professionalism and perfectionism myself, it made the people on my team overthink. It slowed them down. Those first drafts were a lot slower to get to. And it meant that people just didn't feel like they could trust themselves, and also they didn't feel like they could trust me. So as soon as I started talking about my mistakes to the people on my team, as soon as I started being a little more silly, a little more goofy, actually, it actually sped things up. Processes became more iterative and kind of a beautiful thing, honestly.
One thing I have learned in all these years is that perfectionism isn't a flex for anyone, but authenticity is the flex.
APPLICATION
So next time you find yourself making a big professional mistake or a big personal mistake, try talking about it, naming what happened, and inviting others in to give you advice. And for goodness sakes, forgive yourself and make sure you make it right with others.
And if you wanna hear the full speech, reach out to me, because I have a really cool new speech called Oops, I Did It Again.
REFLECTION
Alright, folks. This week, I want you to think about what would change on your team or in your life if the people around you got to see you make mistakes and recover gracefully, or even recover awkwardly, instead of watching you perform perfectionism?
GOOD VIBE TO GO
Alright. Let's move into this week's Good Vibes to Go. Ms. Rachel is doing everything she can to eliminate racist nursery rhymes, including making her own album. Check out new album, I'm So Happy, co-written and performed with her husband, Mr. Aaron. It is good for kids, and it's also good for all humans. What I love about Ms. Rachel is that she is the opposite of performative.
And if you want more good vibes every Saturday morning, that's what the 5 Things newsletter is for. This week, I've got stories about Patagonia turning voting into a team sport, a boxing gym that actually listened, and more. You can subscribe at 5ThingsDEI.com.
CLOSE
I'm Bernadette Smith. I'm CEO of Equality Institute, and I'm your weekly guide to playful, inclusive leadership. If your team could use some good vibes, let's talk. Have a great week.