On a solo kayak trip after my friends bailed, my guide Bill asked me one simple follow-up question, and my honest answer outed me to a total stranger in the middle of nowhere. I share what happened when I chose honesty over the safe answer, and what it taught me about the split-second decisions your team makes every day about how much of themselves to show you. We get into why trust doesn't just show up on its own, and how the ARC Method turns curiosity into real connection instead of an interrogation.
On a solo kayak trip after my friends bailed, my guide Bill asked me one simple follow-up question, and my honest answer outed me to a total stranger in the middle of nowhere. I share what happened when I chose honesty over the safe answer, and what it taught me about the split-second decisions your team makes every day about how much of themselves to show you. We get into why trust doesn't just show up on its own, and how the ARC Method turns curiosity into real connection instead of an interrogation.
Takeaways
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PREROLL
A stranger asked me a simple question on a kayaking trip, and it nearly outed me in the middle of nowhere.
OPEN
Hey, folks. Welcome back to Good Vibes Leadership. This is Bernadette Smith. I'm CEO of Equality Institute, and I'm your guide to playful, inclusive leadership.
THE IMAGE/METAPHOR
So over the summer, I was on vacation in a pretty remote area. I was on an island, took kind of a long time to get to, only about 900 full time residents. So it was definitely pretty remote.
And one of those days we were there, I was on a little kayaking trip. I had this trip planned with some friends, and before the kayaking even started, one of them bailed, didn't even come out with us. The second one started getting seasick about fifteen minutes in, so he left. And then it was just me and our guide, Bill, out there paddling in the middle of nowhere. So that leaves lots of time for potential small talk.
So Bill asked me a pretty simple question. What do you do for work? When I answer that question, I usually say something like, I'm a consultant, or I own a small consulting something like that. So he asks me about that a little bit more, and then he asks a very simple follow-up question. What did you do before that?
It seems like a pretty simple question. So in that moment, I have to decide, am I going to be honest, or am I going to be a little evasive or vague? Because the honest answer outs me. The honest answer is that I was a wedding planner specializing in planning LGBTQ weddings. I was an activist wedding planner to help couples navigate a very traditional industry. Sometimes I leave off that second sentence. But regardless, that answer, it outs me to a stranger in the middle of nowhere.
THE COLLISION/PROBLEM
So in that moment, I had to make a call. Do I tell Bill the truth knowing that I don't know how he's gonna react, that how it might cause discomfort, it might be pretty awkward for the rest of the trip? Or do I give him a safe, vague version? Something like, I was a wedding planner or I was an event planner. And keep it pretty simple and just keep paddling.
So in that moment, I told Bill the truth. I said I was a wedding planner who specialized in LGBTQ weddings. I started my business back in 2004 in Massachusetts when the law changed there. I told him the truth.
You know what? It was an amazing conversation. Turns out that Bill has a transgender kid. We talked about that. We talked about the experience of that kid in the school district on the island and how Bill used to be on the school committee and advocated for all gender restrooms for that kid and other trans kids. We talked about Bill's art. I asked him about the LGBTQ community on the island. Turns out that his best friend is a lesbian. We bonded. It was fun. And it all started because Bill got curious. And I decided to be honest.
THE LEADERSHIP PIECE
Now what does this have to do with Good Vibes Leadership? I have spent a lot of time coaching folks through these exact same split second decisions, these types of conversations that can lead to awkwardness or connection. Let's just say someone on your team gets asked an honest direct question about their life, about their identity, about where they come from, about where they grew up, or even what they're struggling with. And that person has that same split second moment to decide. Are they gonna give you the honest answer, or are they going to be evasive? Are they going to choose the safe answer?
The safe answer. That's what I had to decide. Am I going to give the safe answer? And so you might know folks who are also in that moment of struggle. Do I give the honest answer or the safe one? You might have felt that before. Do I give the honest answer or the safe one? Do I give the full answer or the vague answer?
And most people give the safe answer. And it's not because they don't necessarily trust you, but because a lot of workplaces, a lot of offices, a lot of places haven't earned that trust. A lot of folks don't feel like it's worth the risk, especially at work. And so I think there's a little bit of work for all of us to do, for leaders in particular to do, to help build that trust as opposed to relying on the other person to just go for it, to just choose to be honest every single time.
THE TOOL
That concept comes back to my tool, the ARC Method, Ask, Respect, Connect. Bill didn't just ask me a throwaway question. He was really curious. And when I answered, he didn't flinch. He didn't change the subject. He listened. He respected what I said. And because of the energy I read from him and his body language, that's what allowed us to actually connect. We brought it back together to the conversation about his kid, his art, life on the island.
And when we skip any of those three steps, Ask, Respect, Connect of the ARC Method, the ARC falls flat. We wanna make sure if we're asking the question that we follow through and listen with respect, that we're not interrupting, that we're not dismissing. If we respect without asking, we never really get anywhere. That can just kind of lead to parallel lives and no real intersections.
THE APPLICATION
So here's what I want you to try this week. Next time someone on your team or honestly anyone gives you an opening or a question or any sort of detail about their life, don't just nod and move on. Ask one more real question. Then follow the other steps of the ARC. Respect what you hear. Don't dismiss. Don't interrupt. And then connect it back to follow through and have a meaningful rest of the conversation.
You don't have to rush through this. Or you can. It doesn't need to be a long drawn out conversation either. And if someone is inviting you to share a little bit more, trust your instinct about your sense of safety. And be open to actually sharing because you might find yourself in the best conversation of the week. You don't owe anyone your full story, but ask yourself if you're holding back at all.
THE REFLECTION
Here's something to chew on. When's the last time a stranger's curiosity or a colleague's curiosity changed the way you saw your day?
Alright. Let's move into this week's Good Vibes to Go.
GOOD VIBE TO GO
Folks, I am still very into Dolly Parton. I am consuming lots of Dolly content and so I've been listening to the podcast, Dolly Parton's America on NPR. It came out about seven years ago. Still super relevant. There's, I think, about seven or eight episodes. And there are so many examples of how Dolly, it was an absolute beautiful model for inclusion.
NEWSLETTER TEASE
Alright. And if you want more stories like this and five news stories every Saturday morning, that's what the 5 Things newsletter is for. In this week's newsletter, I wrote about a historic cathedral dean, the first Black woman to own a major league baseball team, and more, you can subscribe at 5ThingsDEI.com.
CLOSE
That's it for this week, folks. I'm Bernadette Smith, and I'm cheering you on. Have a great week.