Most leaders think psychological safety means everyone gets along. This week, a Father's Day pickleball game with players aged 9 to 96 sparked a different idea: what if more conflict — not less — is actually the sign you're doing it right? Bernadette digs into what psychological safety really looks like, why silence on your team should worry you more than disagreement, and what leaders can do this week to make room for the real thing.
Most leaders think psychological safety means everyone gets along. This week, a Father's Day pickleball game with players aged 9 to 96 sparked a different idea: what if more conflict — not less — is actually the sign you're doing it right? Bernadette digs into what psychological safety really looks like, why silence on your team should worry you more than disagreement, and what leaders can do this week to make room for the real thing.
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GOOD VIBES LEADERSHIP — "All In" Edition
Cleaned Transcript
PREROLL
If you think a psychologically safe team means everyone gets along, this episode is for you.
OPEN
Hey, folks. I'm Bernadette Smith. I'm CEO of Equality Institute, and I'm your guide to playful, inclusive leadership. Welcome back to Good Vibes Leadership.
So last Sunday — I guess two weeks ago Sunday, on Father's Day — I was at the pickleball court. It was absolutely packed. There were players ranging in age from nine to 96. Yes. Don is 96, and he gets a lot. He has an amazing spin.
The place was packed. There was every kind of person you can imagine — all different ages, different backgrounds, different skill levels, and obviously a lot of different opinions about literally everything, including how to run the court when there were too many people and not enough space.
For the most part, people got along. And I say "most" because something else happened that I haven't really been able to stop thinking about in terms of leadership.
There was some disagreement. Actual, real disagreement about how to keep the flow moving, how to keep people playing as often as they can when it was so packed. There's a default way that's typically done, but we needed to kind of add a new layer to that transition. And there were more than one strong opinion — lots of strong opinions there at the court. There was a moment or two in which it was pretty uncomfortable. Sometimes there can be some tension, for sure. But then something better happened. It all got figured out.
So here's what most leaders believe about psychological safety: that it looks like harmony. That it looks like peace. It means everyone's getting along, no one's raising their voice, everything ends on time, and nobody makes anyone else uncomfortable.
I think that might be a perception of what psychological safety looks like. And it sounds nice, but it's also a red flag.
Because what that harmony often is — where everyone sort of nods and everyone is supposedly comfortable — what that actually often is, is silence. And silence isn't safety. Silence can actually mean that there's fear, even fear dressed up as professionalism.
So the real barriers to psychological safety at work? It's not conflict. It's a fear of retaliation and uncertainty about whether your manager actually has your back. It's the background noise that every person on the team might be wondering: is it actually safe to say this? Will I pay for this later? Does my opinion actually matter? Does my voice actually matter anyway?
Those are hard questions. And if your team isn't asking them out loud, they are absolutely asking them silently.I have spent more than 20 years in rooms with leaders who want more innovation, more engagement, more honesty from their teams. And pretty much most of them, in some way, are actually managing conflict out of the room before it has a chance to become something useful.
We do this instinctively. Conflict might feel like failure. Like maybe we didn't hire the right people, or maybe we didn't set the right tone. So we might smooth over conflict, redirect it, table it, take it offline, or take the path of least resistance.
And when we do that, we might be teaching our teams that disagreement isn't welcome here. When we don't work through the disagreement or the conflict, it sends a signal that it's not welcome.
Here's what I want you to think about instead. A team that never disagrees is not a team that agrees. It's a team that has learned not to bother disagreeing. It's not worth it to them. Doesn't mean they agree — it just means it's not worth it to them to disagree.
So psychological safety doesn't mean no conflict. It means that people trust that conflict isn't going to cost them something they can't afford to lose.
So how do you actually cultivate that? How do you actually build that?
First of all, realize that every single person has a role to play, because psychological safety happens at the team level. Every member of that team can contribute to it.
Second, your team is watching what happens when someone disagrees — every single time. They're not listening to what you might say in theory about open dialogue. They're watching what you do the moment someone pushes back, or the moment someone has a different way of doing things. Do you get defensive? Do you shut it down? Do you say "great point" and then do it the old way anyway?
People notice this. They remember it.
Also, the goal is not to manufacture conflict. We're not trying to create it if it doesn't exist. We're just trying to make space for it when it is real. That might mean slowing down in meetings. Asking, "Is there anyone we haven't heard from yet?" Being intentional about who hasn't spoken and inviting them to contribute. Maybe naming the tension in the room instead of pretending there's no tension.
And lastly — and this is really hard — you have to be willing to be wrong in front of your team. Not performatively wrong, but actually wrong. You might have to be willing to have your mind changed because someone said something you hadn't thought of before. When that happens, folks start to actually believe that they are safe to share their big ideas.
Back on the pickleball court on Father's Day, the stakes were really low. No one was worried about their performance review. No one was worried that speaking up was going to get them cut from the team.
But at work, the stakes are much higher. And so this matters a lot more than the pickleball court.
On the court, we got to a place of great rhythm — everyone getting a chance to play faster — because we listened to more ideas. Because there was conflict that brought up the best ideas, and we were able to find a solution that was actually pretty innovative and useful for everyone. Because people were able to share, and there was that sense of conflict even when the stakes were pretty low, we actually got to the best outcome.
So think about this in your practice this week. In your next team meeting, notice if there's a moment when someone could have said something and didn't. Instead of calling them out on it, just notice it. And then ask yourself: what would have to be true for someone to feel safe enough to say something? Start building those conditions and see what happens.
Alright. Here is the question I want to leave you with this week.
If your team's silence in meetings feels like agreement — what if it wasn't?
Chew on that.
GOOD VIBES TO GO
Alright, let's move into this week's Good Vibes to Go.
Happy Pride, folks! Last Sunday the parade hit here in Chicago, and I spent the weekend celebrating. I've had a great prideful June. So folks, go find yourself some Pride-oriented good vibes in your local community. I suppose this is coming a little bit late, but hopefully you found some. And I'll be off next week, so enjoy the holiday.
NEWSLETTER TEASE
And if you want more stories like this one every Saturday morning, that's what the 5 Things newsletter is for. This week I have a story about Japan going to school on LGBTQIA+ education, Nepal making history with equal marriage, and more. You can subscribe at 5ThingsDEI.com.
CLOSE
Alright, folks. I'm Bernadette Smith. Thanks so much for spending a few minutes with me today. If this episode resonated, please share it with someone in your life who could use a little more good vibes. Cheering you on, and I'll see you next time.