I used to feel like I had to be serious to be taken seriously. The imposter syndrome was real. And it landed on top of something older: a scarcity mindset I inherited from my immigrant parents. Together, those two things made me heavy, desperate, and honestly, not very fun to be around. In this episode, I share what I noticed, what I changed, and why making play my word of the year turned out to be the best leadership decision I ever made.
I used to feel like I had to be serious to be taken seriously. The imposter syndrome was real. And it landed on top of something older: a scarcity mindset I inherited from my immigrant parents. Together, those two things made me heavy, desperate, and honestly, not very fun to be around. In this episode, I share what I noticed, what I changed, and why making play my word of the year turned out to be the best leadership decision I ever made.
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I used to think I had to be serious in order to be taken seriously. But it turns out that play was the thing that made people take me seriously. I'll get into that and more in this week's episode of Good Vibes Leadership.
[SHOW OPEN]
Hey there. I'm Bernadette Smith. Whether you're in between meetings or on a quick commute, welcome to Good Vibes Leadership. This show focuses on playful, inclusive leadership through micro lessons you can actually use. My goal is to help you connect authentically with your team and clients and create a world where everyone actually wants to show up. Lead with joy, build for everyone. Let's go.
[EPISODE BODY]
Hey, welcome back to Good Vibes Leadership. I'm Bernadette Smith. I'm CEO of Equality Institute. And this is the show where we talk about inclusive leadership in a way that actually feels good.
Today, in most weeks, I share some personal stories. And this story is about impostor syndrome, scarcity, and the word of the year that changed everything for me. And maybe it'll change something for you too. So let's get into it.
I used to feel like I had to be serious in order to be taken seriously. Some of you may know that I used to be a wedding planner with an LGBTQ specialty. I did that for about fourteen years. I also did a ton of speaking, training, and writing in that industry to educate other professionals on how to be inclusive. Now I've been leading teams for over twenty years. But when I phased that business out and I started focusing on inclusive leadership work more broadly, I had some imposter syndrome because I had never worked in corporate. But here I was trying to tell corporate teams how to not accidentally offend their increasingly diverse colleagues. So my imposter syndrome was real.
And it actually kind of goes back a little before that. I actually grew up with this scarcity mindset inherited from my immigrant parents who came over here from Ireland. I kind of was raised with this message that there was never quite enough. You had to work harder, maybe prove more, take up less space. And that wiring, it doesn't just disappear when you start a business. It shows up all over the place.
So I had this imposter syndrome because I'd never worked in corporate. I had the scarcity mindset. And all of this caused me to hustle in about, I don't know, five gazillion ways. You know, at one point, after attending a workshop for speakers, I mailed physical brochures with a hand signed letter to a thousand meeting planners, and no one called.
So here's what was actually happening. That imposter syndrome, that scarcity mindset, it caused me to feel heavy, more reserved. It's like I was constantly in my head. I'm sure there was a tinge of desperation in everything I did. And I'm sure people noticed, which made it worse. Right?
Perhaps worst of all is that I wasn't really fun. And when you're teaching people how to connect across differences, how to be curious about folks who are not like them, how to build trust in rooms where trust is not always there or easily found — it's hard to get the message across when you're in your head. It's hard to make an impact when you're heavy. Right?
I can't really do that impactful work from a place of fear. You can't follow the ARC. You can't ask better questions. You can't create safety for other people when you're performing instead of connecting. And being in my head about my scarcity and about my imposter syndrome, it caused me to perform rather than connect. I was so busy trying to be taken seriously that I forgot how to be present.
So, you know, I've been a leader for over twenty years now. And the one thing that I know is that inclusive leadership is a contact sport. You actually have to be in the room to be successful. You have to be curious about others. You have to be open to what you hear. You have to be present, so that people will start to trust you. And you can't be present when you're terrified. You can't be present when you're stuck in your head.
For whatever reason, you might be stuck in your head — it might be something totally different from the reasons that I was stuck in my head. I see this all the time. So many folks, whether they're leaders, whether they're client-facing employees, or whether they're individual contributors on a team, they're so worried about saying the wrong thing, about being called out, about not knowing enough, about getting it wrong — that they shut down entirely. They stay in their lane. They go quiet in the moments that could actually build trust. And that's not safety. It's not really self protection. It's absence.
Again, when we're heavy, when we're stuck in our head, we can't be present. We can't be good leaders.
So a lot of you know I have a tool called the ARC Method, which stands for Ask, Respect, Connect. And I built this framework because I realized that connection, it doesn't happen by accident. It happens when we get curious about others, when we ask better questions, when we actually listen to the answers and let them land, pay attention to what we hear before we respond.
But here's the thing about the ARC Method that I don't really talk about much. You have to be so present in order to use it. Like, really present. Not performing present. Not like managing your image or trying to overthink about how you will be perceived, but actually being there with the person in front of you.
The thing that helped me was play. Maybe it'll help you too.
So one day I actually noticed this about myself. I noticed the heaviness. I noticed what wasn't working, and I decided to make the word play my word of the year. That year and in the year since, I have learned pickleball. I've done Dungeons and Dragons and other role playing games. I've learned new board games and play them a lot more. Card games. I took improv and stand up comedy. I brought that spirit of play into my work, into my speeches, into the rooms where I'm asking other people, other leaders, other folks of all kinds to be vulnerable with me, to be curious, to be brave.
Bringing the spirit of play into my work has actually made me a million times lighter.
So here's the thing that a lot of folks might not tell you. The lighter I got, the more seriously people took me, and the more genuinely I could connect with other folks in whatever room I was in.
So here's what I want to leave you with today. Where are you performing instead of connecting? And what would one small act of play do for your presence this week?
Doesn't have to be pickleball. It can be any kind of play you like. Maybe play for you means dancing around the office. Whatever kind of play floats your boat. Right? It just has to crack you open a little bit.
You know, one of my favorite forms of play, one of my favorite types of shows to watch when I really need to just bust out laughing to feel playful — I love to watch hidden camera TV shows. So, like, Scare Tactics is a, you know, a silly one. It just makes me laugh really hard. Makes me feel playful.
So how can you bring that spirit of play into your life a little bit more? And how can you bring it into your work? That's my thought for you this week.
[GOOD VIBES TO GO]
Alright. Let's move into this week's Good Vibes to Go. Check out Trevor Noah's new Netflix special, Joy in the Trenches. It is hilarious. If you're looking to laugh, if you're looking to get a spirit of play in your life, I hope that you enjoy this special.
[OUTRO]
Alright, folks. If you want more stories like this one every Saturday morning, that's what the 5 Things newsletter is for. This week, I have stories about making birthdays sensory safe, tearing down financial barriers for people with disabilities, and more. And you can get those stories only at 5thingsdei.com. Thank you so much, folks. Have a great week. I'm cheering you on.
That's your weekly shot of Good Vibes Leadership. For the full rundown of this week's top stories and some proof of positive change, grab my 5 Things newsletter at 5thingsdei.com. Remember, lead with joy, build for everyone. Now go be the leader your people deserve.